Entry for 10 October 2008

I was born as a male, and my early childhood memories are of my sisters. I had an elder brother but he doesn’t figure in my pre-teen memories. I loved playing with dolls, but I stopped this before I left primary school because I was being ridiculed. Perhaps thats why I don’t remember my brother from that period, although I don’t ever remembering him have a nasty word about anybody. I was bullied a bit a secondary school, but I just sort of ignored it. I was bullied a bit more at RAF apprentice school, but again, I sort of rolled with punches. I’m told I was a very bossy self centred little devil.

Life improved when I left training school and entered the ‘real’ world. I met lots of nice girls, who I liked much better than the brash crude lumps called men. I got posted overseas where I met a family who ‘adopted’ me and my best mate. I adored my adoptive mum, and we were very close in a way that was very much like sibling love, but which in retrospect, I feel was the affection that girls feel with their best friends. We stayed friends all through our lives, losing contact as our postings moved us about, only to meet up and carry on where we left off. I hero worshipped her husband too, and we remain friends to this day. I learnt a lot from them by watching them bring up their three sons. They brain washed me into the joys of married life; the fun that children give you with their smiles, laughter, and games. I returned to England and met my penpal whom I knew from my late teens. We were married within the year, and that began a very happy period of my life.

I hadn’t been sexually active as a single person, so we learnt together, but I was very disappointed when my wife wasn’t pregnant straight away. It took 15 months, so our first born came along 24 months into our marriage. Our next child was born 13 months later, and a third 42 months later still. We wanted loads of children but the cost of the little darlings limited our output considerably. I loved all the baby stuff; washing, feeding, nappy changing, feeding and of course, cuddles. Very quickly, games were added to this too.

Things family wise continued fairly nicely, until university reared it head. By this time I had got older, and moved up the ranks. The older and higher I got, the more I seemed to differ from my peers. I was quite liked by my troops as I seemed to have more humanitarian views on discipline and private problems. My peers seemed to get more macho in comparison, less patient and tolerant, and to a certain extent, not so nice. There are nice guys out there, but they seem to have a certain androgynous-ness to their characters; at least to me anyway. By the time I was 45 I felt that I had quite a big feminine streak to my character, and I was quite happy with my feminine side. Over the next 12 years I gradually felt that I wasn’t just a feminine guy, but a women with a male body. I’d had a couple of deep depressions and had medical help, but since my revelation, I have felt much better within myself.

So, how are things now. A bit of an impasse, since me wife won’t have anything to do with my feminism. To her I’m the guy she married, and she won’t have me any other way. I had some counselling, early on, but MLW (my lovely wife, because she is lovely, although we differ on this subject), felt it was just encouraging me to be more feminine, and not curing me. My GP is gorgeous, and we have some good girlie chats when I see her. MLW vetoed telling the rest of the family, although my sister worked it out for herself. All my sisters know and are very supportive, and I have got some nice clothes from them.

I get time en femme every week. I have my clothes in our hobby room, and that’s where I go when MLW is watching the soaps. OK, I don’t get any interactive time, but the short periods I do get keep me sane. Well, it keeps me from depression. Recently I discovered ‘Angels’, and this has been fantastic. There are loads of girls like me, and a lot are in the same boat. We can’t progress along the transition road, but we are happy-ish to forgo this to keep our marriages together. My personal self esteem, and state of mind have improved immensely being apart of ‘Angels’. ‘Angels’ is worth a visit, and you can view all the forums as a guest, without registering, so you can test the water before you join in.

Angels Forum is http://www.angelsforum.co.uk/phpforum/

The best of luck to every one.

Entry for 10 October 2008

I was wondering where to start, although Winnie the Pooh thought the best place to start was at the beginning. But where is the beginning? Is it one’s birth, or one’s first memories, one’s first girl friend, marriage, or one’s discovery of self?