I was chatting to a friend via emails and she asked if I had always felt as I do now, and I realised that I hadn’t seen any blogs explaining the fine tuning of their writers changes. The literature about girls like me say that it is common to start the realisation of being a girl in our fourties, but I hadn’t read any thing by girls in my ‘group’, so to speak, explaining how it had been for them. This is how it happened with me.
Growing into Anna? In 1990, at 45, I felt I had a big feminine side to my character, but I was happy with that. Then by 2002 I had started getting these feelings, that I was actually a woman. I didn’t get them all the time, but by then I was getting them every day. It could be in the house, in the shower, in the supermarket, and a wave of feelings would surge through me, and I felt I was a woman; being with other women would seemed to set it off. The girl feelings filled me with euphoria, a sense of happiness and wellbeing. Gradually they came more often and longer, until it was the dominant life force so to speak. If I closed my eyes, my mental image was pure girl, no male bits. I suspected that the more time I spent with the girl feelings, the more they would be normal, and the sense of exhilaration would go. This has happened to a large extent. Then I went through a period where I would get these strong feelings of maleness, but I didn’t enjoy them, and they got fewer and fewer, but I get them occasionally still; although now I have said that, I haven’t had one for a while. I usually got/get them in the car while driving.
Jay asked me how did I know these feelings I got were feminine ones? – I just did.
Interestingly, I have now got a friend who is a post-op woman. She has both male and female feelings, not at the same time of course, and she is quite happy with that. She has always had them, and said that it is just a part of being who she is. Although she was happy with these alternating mental gender imaging, she wasn’t happy with the male body, and needed to have the Sexual Realignment Surgery. I’m so envious of her bravery and determination.
So, that is another bit of Anna’s story.