I’ve been watching these girls, and I thought that they had a pretty sensible approach to their lives, and I wondered whether it would work for me. Now, I had over the last several months come to terms with my gender dysphoria, (GD), and I was quite happy at last. I still had some boy moments which I detested, but otherwise things seemed fairly ok. This androgynous style looked like it had possibilities for removing the last annoyances, and looked as though it might fit me – or I may fit it if you like. I have been acting male around the house as that is what Jay wanted, and by adopting the – it’s ok, I’m ‘andro’ anyway – technique, has helped. The only thing that I was a little bit suspect about was, – am I giving up my femininity. After a few weeks consideration, and chats on Angels and the phone, I think I am still a girl, and being a girl is still my favoured role. We had two weeks holiday in Fort William, a girlie holiday, 3 girls together. OK, one of us didn’t look like a girl, and the other two thought it was two girls and a guy – but, I felt immensely feminine, although Jay thought I was being macho, and has told me that it was a super two weeks with Bob! I had to concentrate a bit at times to keep the femininity under wraps; which worked very well, it looks like, and I didn’t need to use my emergency girlie clothes hidden in my techno-electric holdall. Well, one never knows how things are going to turn out, and I always smuggle something along with me – just in case.
So it looks like I’m not quite the girl I thought I was, and I do feel better for this ‘fine tuning’. This is more than I can say for Jay. We had a mini set back in the relations department, and our chat didn’t help me much at all, but then, they never do. As I have said before, each time we have a heart to heart, life being Anna gets harder each time. I know, that is Jay’s ideal scenario, no more Anna. She caught me on Angels a month ago, and I thought I’d got away with it. She has been on the net herself, and told me that she is not stupid; she knows what Angels is about. Just as well I changed my avatar. She asked me what does Angels call me, so I admitted it was Anna. She said that she has also been checking our phone bills to see who I’ve been ringing; which is no one. I was on the phone for 15 minutes, and didn’t get a line to NZ once, which is blooming annoying as we have a call package which includes cheap calls to NZ.
We tell our spouses that being a girl in a guys body isn’t that bad, we are still the same people inside. Wrong. According to Jay, when I am on the net, I type in a feminine way, my body language is girlie. She’s knows when I am up to no good, as I go into the appropriate role for it. Sadly, Jay’s life is full of heart ache; when she can’t see me, she is wondering what I am up to, and when she can see me, I am quite often girlie, she wakes up and worries about it all, her whole life is filled with worries about it. I feel very sad for her. She asked why I couldn’t fight it myself, but if any one reads and GD literature, it is switched on with a one way only switch, and we don’t lose it ever again. I like that. I like being Anna; Anna is kinder, more relaxed, more laid back, more considerate, accepts life as it comes, less competitive, still likes competitive pastimes, but winning is now nice, not a be all and end all of the game; games are now more fun because of it.
That is enough for one blog, so if I have a reader or two, have fun – hugs, Anna