Tears before bedtime

For some while I have been chatting to some friends, one is a post op MtF, (Male-to-Female, i.e. was born male and is now female), and she says she is androgynous. Although she now knows she is both male and female at the same time, she needed to be female, and only dresses as female. Another friend splits her time being either a women or a man. She was born, and is still male, but she cross dresses and goes out, and parties. The arrangement of her and her partner are that she has to be girlie when en femme, and masculine when male, and the latter is the majority of the time.

I’ve been watching these girls, and I thought that they had a pretty sensible approach to their lives, and I wondered whether it would work for me. Now, I had over the last several months come to terms with my gender dysphoria, (GD), and I was quite happy at last. I still had some boy moments which I detested, but otherwise things seemed fairly ok. This androgynous style looked like it had possibilities for removing the last annoyances, and looked as though it might fit me – or I may fit it if you like. I have been acting male around the house as that is what Jay wanted, and by adopting the – it’s ok, I’m ‘andro’ anyway – technique, has helped. The only thing that I was a little bit suspect about was, – am I giving up my femininity. After a few weeks consideration, and chats on Angels and the phone, I think I am still a girl, and being a girl is still my favoured role. We had two weeks holiday in Fort William, a girlie holiday, 3 girls together. OK, one of us didn’t look like a girl, and the other two thought it was two girls and a guy – but, I felt immensely feminine, although Jay thought I was being macho, and has told me that it was a super two weeks with Bob! I had to concentrate a bit at times to keep the femininity under wraps; which worked very well, it looks like, and I didn’t need to use my emergency girlie clothes hidden in my techno-electric holdall. Well, one never knows how things are going to turn out, and I always smuggle something along with me – just in case.

So it looks like I’m not quite the girl I thought I was, and I do feel better for this ‘fine tuning’. This is more than I can say for Jay. We had a mini set back in the relations department, and our chat didn’t help me much at all, but then, they never do. As I have said before, each time we have a heart to heart, life being Anna gets harder each time. I know, that is Jay’s ideal scenario, no more Anna. She caught me on Angels a month ago, and I thought I’d got away with it. She has been on the net herself, and told me that she is not stupid; she knows what Angels is about. Just as well I changed my avatar. She asked me what does Angels call me, so I admitted it was Anna. She said that she has also been checking our phone bills to see who I’ve been ringing; which is no one. I was on the phone for 15 minutes, and didn’t get a line to NZ once, which is blooming annoying as we have a call package which includes cheap calls to NZ.

We tell our spouses that being a girl in a guys body isn’t that bad, we are still the same people inside. Wrong. According to Jay, when I am on the net, I type in a feminine way, my body language is girlie. She’s knows when I am up to no good, as I go into the appropriate role for it. Sadly, Jay’s life is full of heart ache; when she can’t see me, she is wondering what I am up to, and when she can see me, I am quite often girlie, she wakes up and worries about it all, her whole life is filled with worries about it. I feel very sad for her. She asked why I couldn’t fight it myself, but if any one reads and GD literature, it is switched on with a one way only switch, and we don’t lose it ever again. I like that. I like being Anna; Anna is kinder, more relaxed, more laid back, more considerate, accepts life as it comes, less competitive, still likes competitive pastimes, but winning is now nice, not a be all and end all of the game; games are now more fun because of it.

That is enough for one blog, so if I have a reader or two, have fun – hugs, Anna



One Response to “Tears before bedtime”

  1. Anonymous Says:

    Hi Anna

    Sounds like it is not easy at the moment for you. I can’t offer advice as every situation is different. You have to do what you feel is best for the two of you. I wish you luck and keep writing up your feelings.


    TinaCortina x

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