Merry Xmas and a sad Farewell

I’ll start by wishing you all a happy and merry Xmas, and a super 2012. Although Xmas is a religious event for a lot of religions, it was actually borrowed from a Pagan festival I believe. I must check with my youngest, who is a Pagan, and they share gifts a few days earlier or later than we do. Anyway, don’t let the religious significance spoil the party if you are not of a religious nature – and whether you have a god or not, may you all be guarded and guided safely through the next year, in one way or another.

We have been close to the gods recently, because my adorable, but stubborn, clever, interesting, frail, aggravating, funny, and nice and normal 96 year old mum, passed away. She suffered from short term memory loss, which is a form of dementia. It started four or five years ago, and went from benign to chronic, Two years ago she couldn’t remember anything beyond the last five minutes – except really old stuff. We used to get her talking about the old days, and she had loads of amusing tales, and this took her mind off the present. Because she knew she couldn’t remember anything, she was in a constant state of anxiety, as she was always imagining that she had forgotten something very important. Telling her she hadn’t only calmed her for a few minute, and this shortened to seconds as time went on. !6 months ago we put her into a care home, and she improved a bit with the constant care, because she was eating and drinking better.The desease took it’s toll though, and in the last few months she ate and drank less and less, until it was virtually nothing. Her last few weeks were tough on her, and her carers too, watching her die.

Mum on a good day, after a day out from Park View Care Home

So I’m mum-less. We had a nice funeral service, and her ashes are going to be buried at a pretty little church on the downs, at Crundale. I thought I was ready for this, but seemingly I wasn’t. Every nice word, and nice wishes from friends, close or from the net, sets me off. If nature had been kind (and I realise that nature is neither cruel or kind, not having a soul), she would have died when she was more healthy. Mum was in Kent, and we live in Wales, so we went down for a week at a time, every six or seven weeks or so, and we still had some lovely moments with her, even in the last few months. Some visits were heartrending of course, depending on how she was on each day. If our last visit before coming home was a good day, then that was nice, but when the last day wasn’t,……

I never got to tell her about Anna, but I don’t think she would have batted an eyelid. She made up her own mind about things, and our kids adored her, and she them, so her Xmases with us were lots of fun, and she had no problems with them being gay. Mind you, Jay didn’t either, but then she can’t cope with my genderdysphoria.

Life goes on, and we will be fine in while. I’ll do what I do best, just roll with the feelings and weepy bits, until a new status quo settles down, and we’ll remember and reminisce over her life with much laughter.

Thanks to every one who has left nice comments and thoughts on Facebook and Transliving International – you are all wonderful, and I appreciate your caring immensely.

Hugs Anna x