Anna in Suspension

Apologies for dropping off the radar, but it’s been a weird year. I read early on after discovering Anna, about purges; people purging their wardrobes trying not to be the girls they were. I decided I’d never do that.
And I haven’t, but the last year has been a virtual purge at the mental level. I guess that accompanies every ones purges, I just hadn’t realised it.
I did have a respite in August 2012. Jay got an awful thing in her legs. They tried antibiotics at home, and put dressings on the massive blisters. It still got worse, and her toes went black, so they put her in hospital, and it took ten days of a mixture of intravenous antibiotics to get it under control. The blisters had nearly got to the top of her thigh. It was awful. When ever I thought about it, for months afterwards, I burst into tears.
None of this stopped me having a really good girly time. I painted my toe nails, and it was so gorgeous seeing them all the time. I also washed all my girl clothes and got them nice again, and slept every night in a nightie. Fantastic. Wore my feminine clothes all the time in the house of course.
And then Jay came home – and the withdrawal feelings made me so sad too.


Facebook Shenigans

Being realistic, my feelings towards my own breasts is more wishful thinking than anything else, as it will probably take a year before any sure signs appear. But I like them.

We bought a new desktop computer at the beginning of the year, because the one Jay uses died. It gave out a few warning signs so I backed all the important docs and pics onto an external hard drive. The new machine uses Windows 7 Professional, which I don’t like. None of my software works, and it didn’t come with an email reader, you have to buy one at £100s. I had just got it all running, when the operating system went bonkers and wouldn’t start. With the aid of some info on the net and my tame IBM pal, I got it going. But I had some fun with Facebook.

Facebook, bless their hearts, will only let one account use your mobile phone, so when I added my girlie account to my phone, it dumped Jays, and told her so! “Don’t worry” I said, “it’s probably a software glitch”.

Somewhere along the line, I decided to join Facebook as my male self, not thinking there would be a problem. So their I am, getting Jay’s machine Facebook enabled, and the first person it shows Jay as a possible friend is Anna. Jay’s not very tolerant where computers are concerned, and she doesn’t appreciate the ‘help’ they try to give her. She doesn’t want friends apart from the few relations she plays scrabble with – her reason being, that they develop lots of ‘naff’ postings on her page that she has no interest in. I told her it was probably a friend of a friend of friend, that the useless software had turned up. Needless to say, when she wasn’t looking, I put Anna into the ‘block and don’t mention her ever again’ list.

I guess the software found Anna in my Andy mail list and thought it was a good idea to introduce her to Jay – NOOooo.

The next fun thing was a lovely visit from my lovely daughter. She decided to introduce Jay to a new game – Drawsomething by OMGsoftware – it is lots of fun, just like pictionary but you need an iPhone. Being a lovely girl, I put it in on my phone for her (I think she needs a serious birthday present – LoL) and it has been lots of fun watching the pics go back and forwards between her opponents. She has four, son and daughter and partners. I didn’t realise that Drawsomething could be a spectator sport, but it is. The only problem being, it uses Facebook for it’s login, and I had the Facebook app for my girlie account – needless to say, I have disabled it for now, and the program has to go to Facebook via Safari or 3G or whatever.

It is fun having a boy Facebook account, as I’ve connected to all the family across the globe. It’s nice seeing all the family pics of birthdays etc. I had just better not let a link show between them and Anna. OMG, you don’t suppose they get Anna on their hints page too do you. The answer has got to be yes I guess. I have put my photos out of reach of the public, as I didn’t want Jay getting nosey one day, so hopefully, I am still incognito to casual browsers. Sometimes technology can be too clever for our own good.

Hugs, Anna x

Medicationally Speaking

I have been a bit out of sorts, and after a message from Calle, it may be the girl hormone things for my prostate. I hadn’t banked on the medication doing things to me like that. It could be just a relapse into my depressive condition of course, which raises it’s ugly head every now and then. I had to stop work the last time one started, eleven years ago now, and that took me all the way to retirement, which was a nice bonus.

Lets talk about fun and interesting stuff. How am I doing other wise? Well, the libido came back after a couple of months or so, and I had mixed feelings (ha ha) about that. Did this mean that my body was getting used to them, and that I wasn’t going to get the side effects I’d hoped for? I got hot flushes early on, and they have gone now too. However, my boobs, albeit small ones, have a nice feel to them, soft and firm and feminine; but the most noticeable thing being my body hair is thinning out. I first notice the other day that my knee hair hasn’t needed waxing for a long time, and still hasn’t got to that disgusting bushiness that I hate so much. The hair on my chest that I pluck, to leave a vee from neck to cleavage, hasn’t needed plucking for ages. A minute ago I just nipped into the bathroom to check the rest of my chest hair, and it is definitely thinner. So I’m pretty well chuffed to monkeys.

I mislaid a pair of my panties the other day, underneath something or other. Well – I moved the something or other, and Jay saw the panties, and went into a sulk, but I’m back underdressing again, but the stress and aggro doesn’t help. I’m still a lot better off than a lot of girls, and I’m not in a life threatening situation like some women, so I can’t complain – too much, LoL.

Xmas came early for Anna

Well, I didn’t get any proper presents of course, but I got the next best thing, a present from my doctor. A few days before Xmas I had to see my GP about prostate shrinking medication that they want to put me on. I asked the doc if they shrink other bits of the body, and so he looked the drug up in his book. I’m on hormones. Probably not as strong as the ones they give us when we want to transition, but hormones never-the-less.
The GP said ‘discomfort in the breasts with some growth can be experienced.’
‘That’s OK’ I said.
At the chemists, a woman came and saw me, and said I was not to let anyone near these pills who is pregnant, especially if the protective coating has been rubbed off. I didn’t realise these drugs were so powerful. All of which pleased me no end. It will all take several months to happen though, the shrinking – and I hope, the growing. When I first got diagnosed as genderdysphoric, and taking to all things girlie like a duck to water, I tried to enlarge my breasts with exercises and massaging. It did make a bit of difference, but my nipples seemed to be in the wrong place – so I stopped. I guess, they’ll still be in the wrong place, but who knows – LoL.

I didn’t think I would do my usual under-dressing and make-up while the kids were about, but in the end I thought – ‘Why not?’ and did it anyway. I just had to make sure I didn’t leave any underwear about. As you know, my make-up consists of a small amount of eye-shadow, not enough to show, but enough to be known to me. People don’t see past the male body, it seems, and don’t notice girl stuff, as they aren’t expecting it. I’m very tempted to escalate the coverage, but it’s probably sensible to remain low key – LoL.

I wish you all a super 2012. Keep those lovely blogs coming – I get so much fun reading them. Hugs. Anna x

Merry Xmas and a sad Farewell

I’ll start by wishing you all a happy and merry Xmas, and a super 2012. Although Xmas is a religious event for a lot of religions, it was actually borrowed from a Pagan festival I believe. I must check with my youngest, who is a Pagan, and they share gifts a few days earlier or later than we do. Anyway, don’t let the religious significance spoil the party if you are not of a religious nature – and whether you have a god or not, may you all be guarded and guided safely through the next year, in one way or another.

We have been close to the gods recently, because my adorable, but stubborn, clever, interesting, frail, aggravating, funny, and nice and normal 96 year old mum, passed away. She suffered from short term memory loss, which is a form of dementia. It started four or five years ago, and went from benign to chronic, Two years ago she couldn’t remember anything beyond the last five minutes – except really old stuff. We used to get her talking about the old days, and she had loads of amusing tales, and this took her mind off the present. Because she knew she couldn’t remember anything, she was in a constant state of anxiety, as she was always imagining that she had forgotten something very important. Telling her she hadn’t only calmed her for a few minute, and this shortened to seconds as time went on. !6 months ago we put her into a care home, and she improved a bit with the constant care, because she was eating and drinking better.The desease took it’s toll though, and in the last few months she ate and drank less and less, until it was virtually nothing. Her last few weeks were tough on her, and her carers too, watching her die.

Mum on a good day, after a day out from Park View Care Home

So I’m mum-less. We had a nice funeral service, and her ashes are going to be buried at a pretty little church on the downs, at Crundale. I thought I was ready for this, but seemingly I wasn’t. Every nice word, and nice wishes from friends, close or from the net, sets me off. If nature had been kind (and I realise that nature is neither cruel or kind, not having a soul), she would have died when she was more healthy. Mum was in Kent, and we live in Wales, so we went down for a week at a time, every six or seven weeks or so, and we still had some lovely moments with her, even in the last few months. Some visits were heartrending of course, depending on how she was on each day. If our last visit before coming home was a good day, then that was nice, but when the last day wasn’t,……

I never got to tell her about Anna, but I don’t think she would have batted an eyelid. She made up her own mind about things, and our kids adored her, and she them, so her Xmases with us were lots of fun, and she had no problems with them being gay. Mind you, Jay didn’t either, but then she can’t cope with my genderdysphoria.

Life goes on, and we will be fine in while. I’ll do what I do best, just roll with the feelings and weepy bits, until a new status quo settles down, and we’ll remember and reminisce over her life with much laughter.

Thanks to every one who has left nice comments and thoughts on Facebook and Transliving International – you are all wonderful, and I appreciate your caring immensely.

Hugs Anna x

Anna gets a Holiday

I always take some girlie stuff on holidays, and usually under-dress on the journey home. Wearing anything at all on other days isn’t possible, as getting things cleaned is out of the question when we are away from home. I use eyeshadow daily, but only subtle shades, and not a lot of it so no one notices. I have my lipstick, which I’d never dare use, but I have it with me, just like a normal girl would, plus some tights of course.

The make-up cache

We arrived at our self catering cottage on a Friday evening, and nipped out to Lostwithiel for some food for the next days breakfast, before an evening of games and bed. Saturday we went to Bodmin for a big shop up, and passed a school (I think) with a model railway exhibition going on, so of course I wondered if Angie had been there. We had some nice days out when the weather was good, about one day in three, and lots of beautiful autumn colours about. We chose this time of year because it was the first two weeks of the cheap season. Our little group concisted of Jay, Emm and myself. Emm is Jay’s older sister by a few years; she’s a bit batty, but is lots of fun, as she likes the same kind of stuff that we do, and she’s mad keen on photography. We compare pics using the Wii picture show utility, (it’s so brill) each evening. The good news was – Emm likes watching the soaps. Jay, you may remember has gone off the soaps, and so I get very little unhindered time for doing things Anna, but with Emm leading, the soaps were back on.

The bedrooms etc were down stairs, so I headed there, spent a minute or two doing a sedoku, and then stripped and put towel on, girlie style of course. I put some lipstick on; filed and buffed my nails; plucked my eyebrows back into shape, and got the silky mitt and dehired my hands and feet and knees. I usually use wax strips for the hands, knee, and feet, but I hadn’t thought to bring any. Finally, I finished removed the make-up and showered. Back up stairs, when Jay asked what I’d been doing, I replied that I’d laid on the bed doing sudokos, and had a shower – perfectly truthful. I got four lovely sessions of pampering myself Anna style, and it felt so good.

The only drawback was – hardly any wi-fi for the phone. The laptop picked it up, but I have no Anna passwords on that. I got all your updates, blogs and Facebook stuff via emails, but no wi-fi meant no replying to anything. Perhaps I shouldn’t whinge, as it was a super break.

Hugs Anna x

Waxing is the new paint

Have I mentioned this before, waxing has the same problems as painting? I do my hands, feet, knees and underarms, and then I don’t want to stop; it’s so addictive. My legs are naff, as I’ve been banned from doing them anymore, but so much hair has stopped growing completely, that the few patches left are – well, naff. Even Jay thinks they’re naff. The vee in my chest is kept short by plucking them as hairs reappear; that’s one area that hasn’t been banned yet, although Jay keeps a close eye on it, so it doesn’t expand – LoL.

I tend do things on the spur of the moment, as I’m not brave enough to plan rebellion in advance, and every so often I’ll wax the legs anyway. Jay thinks I shave my knees and legs, so I haven’t told her otherwise. My dream Xmas present would be a body wax – fat chance of that.

We are off to Cornwall soon, and we’ll have a super time, as we always do when we’re doing things together, it’s just that there’s a bit of togetherness missing in this important area. As usual, I’ll have a collection of girlie stuff, which I can’t possibly wear or use, but having them near me, feels like a normal thing, like normal girls would have, and makes me feel normal too – LoL.

I had an email from a girl, who I’ll call Andrea, as that’s one of my favourite aliases, asking about a family photo on the Bob Flickr site. I passed her on to my sis-in-law who is the family genealogist. S-i-L tracked down the missing link, which pleased her no end. She had trouble to begin with, until this lass mentioned a pub her granddad owned or ran, and success quickly followed. S-i-L rang for a chat today, and told us about her successful work. It appears Andrea was born male, and has changed gender, and it seems this is a first for the family tree – LoL. Andrea and S-i-L had a giggle, as before long Andrea can have all previous male stuff removed from her history – ‘That’ll mess up things for future genealogists’ she said.