Anna in Suspension

Apologies for dropping off the radar, but it’s been a weird year. I read early on after discovering Anna, about purges; people purging their wardrobes trying not to be the girls they were. I decided I’d never do that.
And I haven’t, but the last year has been a virtual purge at the mental level. I guess that accompanies every ones purges, I just hadn’t realised it.
I did have a respite in August 2012. Jay got an awful thing in her legs. They tried antibiotics at home, and put dressings on the massive blisters. It still got worse, and her toes went black, so they put her in hospital, and it took ten days of a mixture of intravenous antibiotics to get it under control. The blisters had nearly got to the top of her thigh. It was awful. When ever I thought about it, for months afterwards, I burst into tears.
None of this stopped me having a really good girly time. I painted my toe nails, and it was so gorgeous seeing them all the time. I also washed all my girl clothes and got them nice again, and slept every night in a nightie. Fantastic. Wore my feminine clothes all the time in the house of course.
And then Jay came home – and the withdrawal feelings made me so sad too.

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More Make-up Moments. (I really should write headlines for the Sun !!)

I mentioned in an earlier post that I was collecting the ‘Make-up Master Class’ pages from ‘You’ magazine in the Mail on Sunday. Before you say, ‘How could you read that awful paper’, and I know, their record on condemning minority groups rather than supporting them, puts the paper in a poor light, but we only get it for the crosswords and ‘You’ supplement – so that’s my excuse. The ‘Make-up master class’ is written by Jemma Kidd, and I hadn’t paid much attention to her as a person, but it appears she really is a well renowned make-up person.

I have probably got 70 or 90 issues of her master class, but in one of her recent lipstick articles, she explained how to put it on – and you thought t was so obvious didn’t you – but not to me. It appears I should have been applying more than one layer, and taking off the excess each time with a tissue. I’ve seen girls on the tele do this, and wondered why they were removing the stuff. It seems that layering builds up a firm and long lasting cover. Not only that, it actually looks better than the single smear I’ve been doing now. It’s brilliant. So thank you Jemma Kidd, you’re my heroine, or better still, a role model – should that be make-up model – LoL.

Do remember the hint I got about brown mascara? Well, I bought some yesterday. Actually, it appears that brown is short-hand for brown/black, or so the lady in Boots make-up area told me. She asked me what brand I wanted, and I said, ‘It doesn’t matter, I’m just practising at the moment’, and neither of us batted an eye-lash. Don’t ask me why I said it, but it’s probably that – I want to be normal in the girlie sense – and also the, ‘Why should I feel ashamed of who or what I am?’ syndrome. I do accuse myself of not ‘putting my money where my mouth’ is kind of thing, so it was nice actually to take a stand on it. There are lots of you, out there doing things in public, and I envy and admire you all, so this was my little bit.

Oh yes, the brown mascara that is really a brown shade of black – I was advised, if you remember, that I could wear it in bob mode, and to use it on the upper outer lashes only. I’m at home, with Jay, and we have my niece-in-law coming for lunch, and —- I’ve had it on all morning, without a hint of suspicion from my lovely Jay. Another triumph for girlie-hood I think. LoL.

Hugs, Anna x

A Lady in Waiting

I get lots of fun reading everyone’s blogs – not everyone on the net silly, LoL, just everyone I follow and hop through. I just adore all the differences we have, and the similarities with-in the differences – if you see what I mean. You all give me masses of fun, and more importantly, lots of hope.

Hoping for what – I’m not sure really – but probably that I can cope with the big discrepancy of what I’d like to be; like to have, and what I’ve got. There’s girls on Angels that have even less time and more hassles than me, so I’m not that badly off really. I’ve been going through a phase where I have hardly had any crossdressing time at all – not to be confused with underdressing and a little make-up, which I do all the time. But then yesterday, I had a very powerful need to crossdress, and do the whole transformation thing – not a good day for it though, so I got rather sulky and down about it all. Today? – everything is OK. Jay is heading for the hairdressers, which she hates, and I’m heading for my clothes cache. I just need to get the timing right – LoL.

So how did it go? Very nicely, but today it was weird, because I was like, androgenised, dressed in gear that both sexes wear, using Bob Togs, but feeling feminine, and looking fairly feminine too I think – (I hope!). I had a photo shoot, as you can see – more on Flickr – and enjoyed the short hour of illicitness – just so nice.

It’s now 4 days later, and Jay has been as grumpy as hell – that silent kind of grumpyness. I guessed she suspected I was going to play while she was out. But no, it’s a long boring story about how and why they got there, but I dropped a pair of bright blue frilly thongs, in the bedroom no less, and jay found them first. It took me a day and a half to realise they were missing, and then work out why Jay was silently grumpy. I am so a muppet. She did at least say that she still loves me. We so adore each other, but have this little mismatch that is Anna.

I read a story written by Girlscot, called Josh and Gail part 2. A conversation between two people, Josh coming out to Gail about being transgendered.

Go to http://www.fictionmania.tv
At the bottom of the page click on the word ‘ENTER’
Then cut and paste http://www.fictionmania.tv/stories/readtextstory.html?storyID=1286875449548092363

Cisgender, but that’s not me.

I came across this new term the other day, and it wasn’t obvious to me, what it was all about. A cisgender person is someone who is happy with the gender they were born with/as. Sadly, I found this after coming across a post on Angels or Transliving International. A girl was talking about a friends partner, who had been the subject of abuse by a transgendered person, who she criticised as being cisphobic.

Abuse in any form, and in any direction is abhorrent to most of us, and from what I have read in other girls blogs, there are lots of support out there from cisgendered persons. At the moment, I can’t get my head round the fact, at all. We get so much help from non transgender/ non gender dysphoric friends,family and partners, that to pick on someone else’s partner is beyond belief.

My son split up from his first serious partner, (I think), and was a bit upset that we didn’t cut our ties with him too. We had built up a bond of our own, and you can’t change your affections just like that. Had we gone off the deep end, it could have looked like we were being homophobic from an outsider, who didn’t know the whole tail. We aren’t homophobic as I’ve said, but that doesn’t mean we’ll like every gay person we meet, (and we haven’t); so perhaps the above subject event was a one off fallout, but as I don’t know what was said by whom, etc. I don’t know that. The tone in which we say things can put a completely different slant on even a simple statement, and no doubt the writer of the post had taken this in to account.

Lets raise our glasses, to all those cisgender, transgender, and any other gender people we know, and be tolerant of, and blessed with, all our differences.

Love and hugs to you all, Anna, xxx

Introspection and Dolls

I was swapping comments with Tina, and I said “I don’t do introspection” – which doesn’t mean I haven’t done it in the past, or won’t do it in the future. I’m more into auditing at the moment – emotional and hard cash. Because I get very little en femme time (but more than some poor girls) I audit my purchases; is this ‘something’ going to give value for money when I’m only going to use it on a few 30 minute sessions a month? I’ve got a bit of my lovely dad in me – he was gentle, and very reluctant to spend money – but only a little of him, LoL. I sometimes wonder if the emotional hassles are worth it too – but so far I’ve always decided that it is. I may not be able to decide otherwise I suppose, seeing what I am – my head saying female, my body showing a male. HHHmmmm this looks like introspection to me – LoL.

We went to Kent to start the process of disposing mum’s belongings, now that she is in care. She has gross short term memory loss, and doesn’t know where she is most of the time, or what she did some hours ago. Anyway, I brought home some photos and negatives. In among the b&w pics was a photo of myself with a doll and my younger sister. If you have read some of my first posts, you’ll remember that I said I used to play with dolls, but stopped when people started making comments about it. I’m quite young here, 4 or so, and I think I played with dolls until I was 6 or 7. Just guessing! But I remember that it was the tone of the comments (you know how nasty older siblings can be sometimes), that put me off playing with dolls. I so adored babies, (and still do), when they came into our lives.

Anyway, I was so pleased finding the photo, because I remember being happy with dolls. It lends credence to my memories too, do you think? I have recently been wondering if I can find a small doll, as an ornament for my computer desk. Dolls keep making an appearance in my life, but they are always someone’s else’s. Perhaps at 60+ I’m a bit old to be hankering after dolls again – LoL. I like to think that perhaps there was a bit of tgirl in me all those years ago.

Accessory-ising

I’ve been shopping again, but this time, I’m into accessory-ising – at least, I think that’s what it is. I’ve bought a ladies watch, and the neat thing about it is, it has spring loaded half bands, that clamp around your wrist. I can whip it on an off in seconds. I wore it all afternoon and evening the other day, hidden under a long sleeve sweatshirt. But like all wearable contraband, it’s so easy to forget you have it on. I started undressing the other night in our bedroom, Jay was doing a crossword in bed, and I had to nonchalantly pull my trousers back up over my panties, and finish changing in my bathroom – LoL. Just as well she had her head in the crossword, and not on me.

We replaced the down stairs bath with a walk-in-shower, which is next to our bedroom; this was for Jay’s hip problems, and then we built a dormer bathroom with another walk-in-shower in the roof. This is mine. I adore it. It’s my girlie zone – unknown to every one else of course – I feel so feminine on my own in there, and I’ve secreted some of my girlie bits there too. I know it’s a bit risky, but so far, Jay hasn’t shown any disposition towards searches, and it’s nice to have things handy, and not hidden behind a wall of boxes. It’s where I practise my make-up, do waxing and plucking etc. Talking of plucking, I have noticed a tiny problem here, the regrowth is very dark at first, so they show up quite a bit before they get long enough for re-plucking. Yes – I can see some of you thinking already – is she cut out for this girlie stuff? Forever complaining about thick eyeliner, nails always growing, eyebrows always growing – and you can add to that, thin lips. I just can’t get them to look right yet with my lippo on. But it’s fun practising. 

I want some feminine spectacles next, to go with the planned new hairstyle – well, wig. At the moment I’m just thinking of those off the shelf ones at the local chemist, (spectacles, not wigs that is). I realise they are only fit for reading, or in this case, reading and self portraits – LoL. You never know, you may get to see what a sight I am. I do have a pair of glasses that are unisex, which Jay doesn’t like of course, but they are single-focal ones, set up to use at computers. I got them on that – buy one, get one free thing. To me, they don’t look feminine enough.

 Things at home got a bit sticky, and so I’ve stopped using the net when Jay is around. I was being a bit blatant about it, in fact the blatantness was terrific. Making it obvious that I’m not surfing, seems to have done the trick, except I haven’t had time to see what you girls are up to. I’m working on that solving that one – LoL.

Hugs to you all, Anna.

Anna Arendt’s Blog

This is the first day of my new blog – relocated from Yahoo360 – sadly gone in to RIP. About life as a disenfranchised T Girl – but no swearing or sex or titillation here – just life as it goes by.